wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
