My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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