I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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