I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
