My underwear smells like fireworks.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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