I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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