The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
