go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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