he shaved USA in his pubs
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
