is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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