she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
