I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
