we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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