the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No subtext here. People are naked.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
