I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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