I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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