He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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