I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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