I got chris browned last night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
