u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
