His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
