She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
