I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
