Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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