Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
