I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
