well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
