I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
