highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
