He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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