When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
