Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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