woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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