Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
