Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
