Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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