naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
