and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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