So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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