I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I cut my penus on the lid.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
