You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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