he thought i was a dude.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We have started to decorate penises.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
