If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
