let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
