The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
