I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
