I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
