I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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