so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
