what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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