Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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