Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
