there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
