The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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