life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
